Surprise

Laughter is sometimes the best medicine.

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in anAmani suit, steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2 ,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

The Husband Store:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City. A woman may go there to choose a husband. At the entrance there is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, my wife, Helen went to the Husband Store to find a new husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -

These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2

These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3

These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

The fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4

These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it
Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign reads:

Floor 5
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework , and have a Strong Romantic Streak .

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor. That sign reads:

Floor 6

You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street .

T he first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have a lot of money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to
inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering
the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead
and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for
the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been anguishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

TEXAS DRINKING RULES:

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In my part of the world we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab, and catches his glass.

He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be transported by
ship and it was also before commercial
fertilizer's invention, so large shipments
of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it
weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation
began again, of which a by product is
methane gas. As the stuff was stored
below decks in bundles you can see
what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks
and the first time someone came below
at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what was
happening. After that, the bundles of manure
were always stamped with the term "Ship
High In Transit" on them, which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower
decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and
start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High
In Transport) which has come down through
the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of
this word. Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term !

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

TOP 16 COUNTRY SONGS

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That
Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,
Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring,
You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You
If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before
I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby,
But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight
'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow,
But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You,
It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To,
I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend
And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is. . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women,
but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green...........lime,"
"Orange.......orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

-------------------------------------------

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!" "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

A Jewish Kid in a Catholic School

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without
a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

The Rectal Exam

I went into my proctologist's office for my first
rectal exam.

His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining
room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat
down. While waiting I observed that there were three
items on a stand next to the exam table:

^a Tube of K-Y jelly;
^^ a rubber glove;
^^^and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a l! ittle confused. This is my first
exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and
stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said I need a BUTT LIGHT"

----- AUTO REPAIR -----------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells

the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few

minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

----------------------------------------

------SPEEDING TICKET-------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks

her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your

act together. Just yesterday you took away my license

and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

-----------------------------------------

------EXPOSURE----------

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse

open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you

aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out of your shirt," he

says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby

on the bus again!"

-------------------------------------------

------RIVER WALK-------

There's a blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river

and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river, then down the

river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other

side."

-------------------------------------

------KNITTING--------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on

the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to

see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing

lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his

window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL

OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

---------------------------------------

----BLONDE ON THE SUN----

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one

day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first

on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and

shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn

up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you

know. We're going at night!"

------------------------------------

-----IN A VACUUM-----

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was

her turn She rolled the dice and she landed on

Science & Nature.

Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone

calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or

off?"

-------------------------------------

----FINAL EXAM------

The blonde reported for her university final

examination that consists of yes/no type questions

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at

the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit

of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin

and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:

Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest

of the class is still sweating it out. During

the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing

the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,

alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now

I'm rechecking my answers."

-----------------------------------------------------

---THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR---

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his

attractive blond female neighbour came out of the

house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it

then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to

the mail box, and again, opened it, then slammed it

shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she

came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and

then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is

something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!

"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.' "

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

Both ands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel
while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's
bag out the window: TEXAS

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKALAHOMA

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left land with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS

At the time I married "Miss Right", I didn't realize her first name was "Always"!

Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "OH SHIT!" Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

(1970 VS 2000)

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing potbelly

1970: Douglas Street Bridge
2000: Dental bridge

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar
2000: AARP

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system!

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get a hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

Possibly the best chicken joke ever!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched

and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with

the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3

series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping

he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken

arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope

the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper

of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of

the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the

farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began

to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would

then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse

pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers

     FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

     FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

     FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

     FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. - LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER
     BE REWARD.

     1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

     SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

     2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: One 5-finger, One 3-finger, PAIR: $15

     TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
     AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

     COWS FOR SALE.- NEVER BRED CALVES. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

     FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

     NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

     BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

     HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

     HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

     GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

     NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

     TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
     FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

     EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

     OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB. 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

     JOINING NUDIST COLONY! SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.

     ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

     OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

     AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:

     FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45
     volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 OBO. No longer needed.
     Recently married; wife knows everything.

Surprise, Surprise !!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable, it's just that you look just like my son who recently passed on.

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say "Goodbye, Mother", It would make me feel so much better." "Sure", answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he say that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things?"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her", said the clerk.

Actual Bumper Stickers

I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, BUT IT BROKE

WANTED: MEANINGFUL OVERNIGHT RELATIONSHIP

SO YOU'RE A FEMINIST... ISN'T THAT CUTE!

MY KID HAD SEX WITH YOUR HONOR STUDENT

MY FAVORITE WORLD WAR II STORY

An elderly Italian woman went to her parish priest and asked if the priest would hear her confession.

" Of course, my child" said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a handsome young man knocked on my door and asked me to hide him from the Germans. I hid him in my attic, they never found him."

"That's a wonderful thing, and nothing you need to confess", said the priest.

"It's worse, Father, I was weak and told him that he had to pay for rent of the attic with his sexual favors," continued the old lady.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding him. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thank you, Father. That lifted a heavy load off my mind. Can I ask you another question?" said the old lady now with a smile on her face.

"Of course," said the priest.

The elderly lady asked coyly, " Do I need to tell him that the war is over?"

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do people in China call their plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited.

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If you are driving at the speed of light, and you turn you headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

THINNER FOR PROFIT

It seems that in today's world a lot of folks sacrifice quality to make extra profit. to illustrate that point, this is a story about a painter named Jack.

A painter named Jack often thinned down his paint to make it go a lot further. As it happened, he got away with this for quite some time. Jack's church, the Presbyterian Church, decided to do a big restoration job to the roof, and Jack put in the lowest bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he began erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church. Poor Jack was knocked far off the scaffold to land on the church lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thin and useless paint.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment sign from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, forgive me !! What should I do?"

And from the thunder , a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And Thin no more!!"

MAKE A WISH

A young, beautiful woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked is she got three wishes.

The Genie said "Girl, get a grip!... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in the third world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish."

The lovely woman did not hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting each other".

The Genie looked at the map and shrieked. "These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish".

The lady thought for a minute and said " Well, I've never been able to find the right boyfriend. You know, one that's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, a one woman man, does not do drugs or drink, has a great job with good income, likes to cook, and helps with the housecleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, tells me I always look fabulous and that he really loves me. That's what I wish for...the perfect guy to have as a lover".

The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand and his heart, and said "Girl, ....Let me see that map again".

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

A couple had been married for 25 years, and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand and Boom !! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me"

The fairy picked up her wand and Boom !!

He was ninety.

MEDICAL MAYHEM

Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient awakened, sat up, and demanded an explanation about what was happening.

"I'm about to close," declared the surgeon.

The patient grabbed the surgeon's hand and said "No! I won't let you do that. I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor handed him the needle and thread and said "All right, suture self."

Random Thoughts ...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends??

medical help

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the shouts. "This is her husband !!"

RECIPE FOR A LONG LIFE

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great- grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

JUST FOR THE HEALTH OF IT by Lenny Norman

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog you add one minute to your life. this enables you at 95 years of age to spend and additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000.00 per month, while recovering from your him replacement.

2. My Grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now: we don't know here the heck she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. And last, but not least, I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

KEEP 'EM IN THE DARK

A woman is romantically engaged one day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the boy in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball"

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks"

Boy: "My Dad's outside"

Man: "OK, how much"

Boy: "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"

Man: "Yes, it is"

Boy: "I have a baseball glove"

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy "How much"

Boy: "$75.00"

Man: "Fine"

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab you glove, let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth". The boy says, "I can't, I sold them". The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$100.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess". They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Here we go again"

ADVANTAGES FOR BECOMING A SENIOR CITIZEN

Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

*** There's an eighty-year old doctor in Middleton, Illinois, who has delivered so many babies that half the town looks on him about like a parent. He charges either $75.00 or $150.00 to deliver a baby, and he was once asked how he decided on the price..the high or the low price price for his delivery.

"Nothing to it", he grinned, "If the father responds to my 'Congratulations, you've just been given a lovely baby', by asking whether the baby is a boy or a girl, I charge him $150.00. But if his first question is "How's my wife?", I only charge him seventy-five...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the other old girl replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

Grandmother was walking her grandchildren down the street when a lady said to her, "My what charming children. How old are they?"

"The doctor is six," the proud grandmother said, "and the lawyer is four."

"Whenever I'm in the dumps, I go get a new dress," a matron confided.

"Oh yes, How interesting," responded her catty friend. "I was wondering where you got them."

ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN NOTICE:

OUR NEXT SONG IS "ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD GET HIGH"

DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET THE CHURCH HELP !

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT

- WE HAVE A NURSERY DOWNSTAIRS ...

WEIGHT WATCHERS WILL MEET AT 7 P.M. AT THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN

CHURCH. PLEASE USE LARGE DOUBLE DOOR AT SIDE ENTRANCE...

TEST YOUR HEARING !!!

... A NINETY-TWO YEAR OLD MAN WENT TO HIS DOCTOR FOR A PHYSICAL EXAMINATION. A FEW DAYS LATER, THE DOCTOR OBSERVED HIS PATIENT WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH A GORGEOUS YOUNG LADY ON HIS ARM. A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER, THE OLD MAN HAD ANOTHER DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

THE DOCTOR REMARKED, "You're really doing great , aren't you !! I couldn't help but notice you with that gorgeous young lady the other day. THE OLD MAN REPLIED .."Just doing what you said, Doctor, get a hot mama and be cheerful." THE DOCTOR SMILED AND SAID " I didn't say that ! I said you have a heart murmur, be careful !!!"